Actual Stupid signs

• Maine restaurant: "Open seven days a week and weekends."
• New Mexico dry cleaning store: "Thirty-eight years on the same spot."
• New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal church"
• Funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."
• Country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."
• Men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits - $100 - They won't last an hour!"
• Laundry room: "Do not put wet clothes in dryers, as this can cause irreparable damage.
• Maternity ward: "No children allowed."
• Telephone pole: "Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help."

Criminals

• An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
• A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
• Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "that's not what I said!"
• A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
• In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
• Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.